22 years of memories are not enough...
This event was created to honor the memory of my son, Jonathon James Robbins who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression and committed suicide on April 28, 2010 at the age of 22.
He was and will always be the sunshine in my life. 'You are my sunshine' was our song. He was a remarkable young man with green eyes and a smile that could light up the room.
He was so smart and had everything going for him until his illness started to take hold. He went from an outgoing honor roll student at the U of M to a young man who didn’t want to leave the house.
Our family was so lucky to be a part of his life for his short time on earth. We miss him terribly but try to focus on the good things and be grateful that we got to be with him, support him and love him until the end.
There was a point in Jonathon's illness where we didn't know what was going on and he shut himself off from our family, he didn't even come home for Christmas. I was devastated. Then on February 22nd, 2010 he showed up in the middle of the night after delusions had taken him on a 48 hour road trip to Texas and back and he told us he needed help. I immediately took him to the hospital where he was placed on a 72 hour hold. After his release we realized that he needed additional help. He had to quit his job and he moved back home. He was put on some anti-psychotic drugs and they made the voices he heard go away, but still left him feeling like something wasn't right. He committed himself to the mental health unit at the hospital. He always worried about what his illness was doing to our family. I would go up to visit him in the hospital everyday. Sometimes I got lucky and got to go twice a day. It was during one of these surprise lunch visits when he told me that I needed to quit coming up there so much or I'd think I belonged there. I told him I did belong there, whereever he was is where I was suppose to be. I loved him so much and there is nothing I wouldn't have done to help him and I wanted to be by his side.
I am so lucky I got to spend every day with him. Loving him, laying by him, running my fingers through his thick hair. When he told me he wasn't going to be able to make it, I told him I would be strong enough for the both of us. Oh, how I wish I could have been... Jonathon committed suicide the day he was released from the hospital. We all thought he was ready to come home. I had to leave for church for my daughter's confirmation practice and I had him contract for his safety. He assured me he wasn't suicidal, I didn't think he was either, but had him say the words just to be sure. I told him to call me and I could be home in 2 minutes if he needed me. He made a special point of getting the phone to have by him and we told each other 'I love you'. When we got home, he was gone.
I try not to spend my time asking why. I know why. He was in pain. He was worried about the people he loved. I try to thank God every day for letting me be his mom. Some people never get to experience the kind of love that we shared and I got to have it for 22 years. Jonathon always said it was me & him against the world. Jonathon died knowing how much we loved him and we knew how much he loved us. The last words exchanged between him, me, his dad, his brother and his sister where that we loved him.
I would rather live every day of my life in pain than to have him suffer. I wish he was still here and I was able to find a way to stop his pain, but that wasn't meant to be. I have to be thankful that I had him for the time I did and I try to live my life as a better person in his honor.
During the course of Jonathon’s illness he once said that he would never take his own life because he didn’t want to leave this world worse off than when he came in. Although he lost his battle with his illness, we want to help change the world for the better in Jonathon‘s memory.
This world WILL be a better place because of Jonathon's death; not for us who loved him, but for all those other families out there who still have hope that a cure or better faster-acting medicine can help their loved ones. If it could happen to my family, it could happen to anyone. I don't ever want another family to go through the pain that we have.
Please help us with this cause.
This picture is a perfect example of how much Jonathon loved his sister & brother. It was taken 11 days before his death. He had a hard time being around anyone but me, his dad, his sister & his brother. He loved his sister enough to come outside and be around her friends so we could take pictures before she went to prom. Before he let me take the pictures, he went into the house and changed into a shirt to match her dress. He always did his best to be a good big brother.
The You Tube video I created in Jonathon's memory is set to 'The Boy's Gone' by Jason Mraz. If you listen to the words, it fits my baby perfectly...
Jonathon continues to be part of our daily lives. He goes on vacation with us and penguins surround us in his memory.